See-Saw

Things are never boring here. I don’t think I’ve ever had a day when I was calm or blasé.

I have bad days, days when I feel so vulnerable that all I want to do is lose myself in a book on the RER, travel to the end of the line and then change directions and travel all the way back. Sometimes it’s an effort to get off the train and go to work.

The worst moments are when Bénédicte has company.Generally it’s fine – if she has people over, I close my door and stay out of their way. But when I’m feeling fragile, I curl up into a little ball feeling incredibly exiled and alone as I listen to periodic bursts of laughter in the living room.

In contrast, my high points are ridiculously high. I walk through the streets of Paris or ride the metro with a silly grin on my face. I leave a good class, have a great night, or think about how cool it is that I live in this incredible city, and suddenly I have a bounce in my step and I’m soaring through my day.

At these moments I want to love everything and everyone. I’m so eager to share this emotion that sometimes I’m seriously tempted to declare my love to any man with a nice smile.

2 thoughts on “See-Saw

  1. *pat pat*

    Sounds like me. Except I’m in New Zealand studying at university.
    At my low points, I listen to sad love songs, and during my high points, I’ve heard my smile is infectious. I blame it on hormones and being female, a biologically complex creature, but god knows what the underlying causes are.

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